A dear lady passed away this weekend. Unexpected although she was unwell. On Thursday she sent me a funny video and I sent her laughing faces not making the time to write the words in my mind. “Thank you for making me laugh and being such an encouragement despite your own trials. You are such a blessing to me.”

The strange feeling of not being able to speak to someone anymore. The way death seperates you. It is a shock. It also makes you think of being alive. You are alive but able to die. A fact easily forgotten. It’s like getting a cold and being sick. You forget how horrible it can be but it can happen to anyone.

In the light of having a set number of days one wonders why you don’t fully live them to the full. Why waste hours and energy on inconsequential stuff. It comes back to realizing the value of your life and days. Its value is measured in what lasts eternally.

And ultimately it is found in giving not receiving. That encouraging word to another person. That attention given to a child’s chatter. That money sent to help someone else. That patience exerted when you wanted to snap at someone.

It also makes you evaluate whether things are worth worrying about or focusing on. A lot of the times it isn’t. Not in the light of whether it would matter once you are dead.

The things that would matter those are the ones to value. The people in your life.

Life goes by faster than we realize. Caught up in busyness the days run into years before we know it. Some days are bad days, some days are good days. We have dreams and expectations for our lives which often don’t happen.

As you grow older at a point you realize that some of those dreams might never happen now. It is a shock. There used to be time and now there isn’t. You used to wait for things that aren’t coming anymore. It is so very easy to feel like your life didn’t fulfill its purpose. As if your life is a waste.

But hold on. Since when are our lives defined by what we did or did not do. Since when is success measured by whether you fulfilled all your dreams.

Certainly you might think the rich and famous might be the only ones on the planet who has the means to do everything they’ve ever dreamed of. So they should be crazy happy right?

Or do they discover that there isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

That a fulfilled life contains a person who remains cheerful despite sickness. Who gives encouragement to others even though their prayers remain unanswered.

That the dreams and ideals we hold for our lives are not always the same as what Heaven has for us. There are greater things, higher treasure. I’m not saying don’t have dreams or goals. But I am saying that we should prioritise the heavenly agenda for our lives.

Ultimately it will be about love and overcoming.

So if you’re feeling like your life hasn’t turned out the way you envisioned maybe reevaluate that vision. What is heaven’s vision? What matters for eternity? Don’t waste another day wishing for what could’ve been but embrace who you are and what you have today.

It’s done. It’s sent. The button has been pushed. No going back. This seems to be a pattern with me. The day I send my novel off to the editor I feel a myriad of emotions.

In some ways it is similar to the days I gave birth. It’s painful then exhilarating. Like floating on a cloud of relief only to feel the let down of responsibility.

It has been my baby from conception last August to birth this August. A year of forming in my head and heart and commiting it to paper.

Yet till it’s been given out to others you almost don’t know how it is.

Sure you gave a gut feeling that it’s a great story but along with that the nagging question whether anyone else will think so too. Call it the doubting Thomas in me if you will.

So here I am on the 18th of August biting my nails and at the same time wanting to shout it from the rooftops! It’s done, it’s written. It’s posted or shared on Dropbox if you will.

Now to see how much holds up to the scrutiny of a student of English Literature. Wish I could tell you the title of my novel but before the cover is finished I can’t. Would like to surprise you.

I have this exhilarating feeling on the day I send it off every time. In it’s wake follows the disappointment of creative flow paused. I won’t start on another till next year. Then the whole process has to start over.

It’s hard work but the rewarding feeling is worth it. Now I can only hope my readers will love it as much as me and enjoy the journey it takes them on.

Can’t wait to launch this novel. Going to be Epic!

So many definitions. So many shapes and forms. Love is truly what makes the world go round.

The perceived lack of it is also the cause of our deepest hurt.

If someone loves you and you love them back there is a natural desire to please the other person.

Only one problem.

No one can ever fully please another because we are different. Our mindsets, our upbringing, our opinions differ.

Imagine having someone love you but you didn’t need to please them. If you did something they don’t like they didn’t get angry or upset. Imagine not needing to do anything to get their love.

Imagine loving someone else like that.

If you go back to the Author of love this is the original intent. Love should be unconditional. No romance needed. No I do this for you and you do this for me.

Love finds its true expression in focusing on the act of loving as its source of joy instead of what it might receive back in return.

Most of us struggle with this since our hearts feel empty. Drained of the ability to be selfless. You can’t be a true lover if you don’t know that you have that unconditional love already yourself.

‘I do?’ You ask. You do. Before you were even conceived you were fully loved. Yahweh saw you. Knew you. It doesn’t matter whether you were good or naughty He loved you. It doesn’t matter if you loved him back or not.

He has never not loved you.

You see He is love and true love NEEDS nothing back.

It is unconditional.

When you open your heart to His love it enables you to be like Him.

A true lover.

This week has been busy. I’ve been putting in extra hours into writing. The story seems to have gone into second gear. I did have a shock though when I checked the amount of words in my other novels and discovered the new one isn’t nearly as thick.

The story is fast paced full of suspense. It is as if you don’t pad it out as much since the action wants to happen. I have to decide to either have a shorter novel or to add to it. Building a story takes planning. Yet in the framework of your plan a lot of unexpectant things happen.

For instance my character was receiving a morse code message into the implant in his ear that he should hack into something while he is imprisoned without me having any idea how he would get access to a laptop.

How he got it surprised me as much as him. Ha ha ha. I love that though. You can plan but still be surprised. It’s the same with planning to connect more with your family. If you try and focus more on each other it might not work out the way you plan but unexpectant moments of connection will surprise you.

When you do renovations or build an actual house the same applies. You have a plan but during the construction process there are many variables that can happen. Sometimes there are costly and painful surprises. Sometimes it takes a lot more effort than you thought it would.

This is where you have to ask yourself is it worth it. Count the cost so to speak. Take a breather and look at your long term goals. Do you want a connection with your children when they are adults. How much effort are you willing to put in. Do you want a finished house to live in and to keep as an investment.

Do you want to build up family wealth and teach the next generation to do the same. Do you want to publish and release a new novel which can encourage and uplift people world wide. If my answer is yes then I have to keep on building. Even if I do one thing every day. Brick upon brick. Choice upon choice. Word after word. One moment of connection.

That’s the wonder of building. All these little day by day things get together to form something that lasts. You can’t always see the end product when you are building but you have to have faith that if you don’t stop it will become reality.

The only thing that can rob you of your dream is if you stop. So don’t give up. It doesn’t matter if you fail or falter. That’s normal. But no matter what try again. Build.

I’m a laid back person. I much prefer dreaming to doing. There is a place for that but then there are the times things need doing.

Funny thing about time. It is a lot similar to money. If you don’t keep track of it, you can easily lose it. Time is also a resource given to us just like finances. It is something we need to utilise to the best of our abilities.

Now if your not someone who likes to plan every hour of your day or live according to a schedule this may seem hard. Just like the person who doesn’t budget his money.

The surprising thing I’ve found that you need most is flexibility. Strange isn’t it. That and sand timers. Late last night with my plans to plan and teach my children to steward their time I ordered timers. Which arrived in less than 24hrs thanks to Amazon.

This morning I managed to get one boy to make a clock with me. I got the idea of visualising their time with these easy to make clocks.

He wanted to use Roman Numerals. I kept looking at my proposed schedule but the clock on the wall kept moving too fast. Unexpected things happened. Washing to hang up. Kitchen to clean. Boys disappearing. French exams.

At the end of the day I barely kept to one thing in the time slot I had for it. I still have one boy who didn’t make his clock. But I do have things I wouldn’t have had without my planned schedule.

For instance – Did a craft with youngest boy. Kept game time to an hour. Explained time management to boys. Had everyone do their chores. Also had everyone help with dinner and be involved in cleaning afterwards. Planted a rose cutting.

I even wrote two scenes in my new novel. Wow. I did more with my time. Even though it felt like I wasn’t effective. I didn’t keep to the plan.

BUT the plan helped me focus and get more done. The trick is flexibility. It doesn’t work out the way you plan most of the time but that isn’t the important bit.

The important bit is planning to steward your time. Setting some goals and things to focus on and then simply try within the scope of your day to do it. I even washed two loads of washing today. For me that’s a lot.

So make a plan but hold it loosely. Don’t get stressed if the clock is too fast. Enjoy the moments. Take time to sort out an upset child. That takes a lot of time sometimes. But the schedule is your servant. Connection is your priority. And time is yours to use wisely.

Big, brown eyes stared around her. This was a new place full of new faces.

She had been excited for this day. Her first day at school. She knew one face, the son of her mom’s friend. She smiled at him but he stared straight ahead.

Oh well, there were so many children her age she was bound to make friends with a few. Her heart thudded in her chest. She loved people. They were interesting and curious.

The class went by fast. Her teacher was friendly and smiled at her at least once. A bell rung and they were allowed to go out and play. She took her blue lunchbox and stepped out the door of the classroom.

She stood on the grey cement porch and froze. There were hundreds of children shouting, running and playing. But no one near her. Everywhere she looked it felt like someone had someone.

She pushed her straight brown fringe away from her forehead and longingly looked back into the class. At least there she knew what to do. Out here she felt lost. On the wall a pretty little girl sat surrounded by others. They all seemed to worship her.

The brown eyed girl’s face fell. She felt invisible. Just then there was a nudge on her shoulder. She looked up and up till she found the kind face looking down at her. “They don’t see the real you.”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll show you.”

Her eyes widened in astonishment as she began to glow. She shone as bright as a star. Around her appeared more tall beings all looking at her with smiles.

“Child you are a shining one. A gift to others and this earth. They cannot see it yet because they only see the surface. You are never alone. Heaven cheers you on. The earth needs you to overcome so you can bring the light to them.”

“Overcome?” She hung her head. “It’s hard. I feel sad.”

“You don’t need to do it. He did it for you. You can swap the sad parts for His happy parts. Then you will be who you truly are. The true you and not the lie.”

She looked again at the giggling girls but instead of feeling like she wasn’t good enough she smiled and sat down on her own. Her light was shining even if they couldn’t see it.

Through the years in school she endured many lonely breaktimes. She talked to Heaven. She made pretty, encouraging cards and gave it to the popular girls. She sang to herself and smiled at the world. Her light would shine no matter what.

She was a shining one.

The house is quiet except for the sound of the kitchen clock. I had to wonder for a moment where the clock sound came from. Never realised it made a sound.

Today was mostly rainy. So I baked seedbased rusks. Learned that you can replace Xanthan gum with flaxseed or Chia seed. I had both of the latter two so I could choose. The rusks almost burned because I was giving a reading lesson and smelled them before remembering them.

I finished chapter two in my new book on parenting. Let me just look up the title. Aha. Calm parents. Happy kids. By Dr Laura Markham. I forget small things like names and titles. I’m hoping that I’ll remember the important tips inside the book because she makes a few good arguments. I’ve been highlighting whole paragraphs.

The first chapter was on emotional maturity and what to do when you get angry. I’ve been working on that and when I lost it with someone today I managed to keep quiet. I did give a stare… but I walked away, cooled down (to like-warm) before having a conversation about the issue.

Chapter two was about connection. So typical me fashion I decided to apply a few of the tips on connection on the same day that I read them. No time like the present.

Just to note that the Doctor had two children and I have five. So the challenge to apply what she suggests is multiplied a bit.

Like this wonderful idea – 15 min. special time with each child per day. Which is actually an idea I had beginning of the year which we did once. If you multiply 15 times 5 you get one hour and fifteen minutes. Which is exactly how long our whole evening is from where they go to bed till we go to bed.Nevermind the length of our program on Amazon.

But actually special time isn’t bedtime routine of cuddles and chat before they go to bed. It’s where they get to do something they want with you. You take turns. Child chooses and you choose. But it has to be about connecting not an extra reading lesson. Ha ha ha.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from parenting it’s that you can never do things by the book. Maybe if you had fewer kids… But not when you’re outnumbered. So you begin by simply choosing your desire. I want to make connection with the people in my life priority. And start looking for opportunities.

For me today it meant massaging the one boys neck while he did a math lesson. It meant blowing bubbles on the youngest stomach instead of just dressing him. It meant helping the one set up something online they’ve been asking for for awhile. It was printing stamps and sticking them on envelopes. Stopping in to chat to the hard working teenager. I couldn’t time it or plan it.

But because I had turned my desire towards connection it was happening.

It even spilled over to other people in my life. Because I was thinking of connection. Choosing it.

That doesn’t mean that by 9:30 when I was still listening to a child babbling it felt like I could time out.

Lately bedtime had become a quick kiss downstairs and up you go without even going to their room. So to go back to being upstairs was so not what I felt like. But as the youngest showed me his car on his shelf I saw the magic of connection happening. This meant more than any relaxing time I could spend in front of the TV.

It’s strange how you can be with others all day long or know them all your life but not connect isn’t it? Connection will only happen if you purposefully pursue it. Desire it. Learn about it. After all is said and done our lives are all about connection. It’s worth pursuing no matter how hard it is. It’s never too late to begin either. Just begin desiring it.

As you can imagine in a family of seven there is a lot of everything. A lot of mess, a lot of personalities, a lot of emotional needs, a lot of food to make, a lot of schoolwork to do… You get it. It’s everything times seven.

One of the hardest things to do is cultivate a culture where the focus is not self centred but on being a contributor to the family. One way is to accent the fact that your family has value as a unit. Building it, investing in each other benefits the group which benefits the individual.

On Saturday we tried something new which had really surprising results.

We played a game called Super Server Agent. I assigned someone to everyone in the family as their person to serve for the day. The guidance was that they can’t tell who their person is. Serving them not for their approval but as if you’re doing it for God.

For this first time we kind off went down in age group. So the eldest had the second eldest to serve etc.

Now for the surprising part. We had the loveliest day. You had to do a minimum of two specific things. But some ended up giving their time and focusing on the other person for most of the day.

There were many special moments. For instance in our house if there is left over food, like an extra sausage roll, everyone usually wants it. For the first time ever there was a fight because everyone wanted to give someone else the sausage roll instead of claiming it for themselves.

It wasn’t big things. It was one brother making another one a cup of tea. It was another one simply being kind and patient towards someone who usually rubs them the wrong way. It was… different, special.

The teenager came to me. “Best day ever Mom. Can every day be like this? It was fun spending time with my sibling. It was such a peaceful day. Everyone got along.” Who would have thought a little game like this could have such an effect. I heard my two eldest talk about how interesting it is to have a different mindset.

Now as any mom I’ve told my kids a million times. Be kind to each other. Do for others what you want them to do for you. It’s better to give than to get. Help each other. But never had I seen them intentionally focused on doing just that for a whole day like this.

And startlingly they turned round to me and said. “Wow Mom you are a Super Server to Everyone all the time!” They noticed. Took stock of their family around them.

We plan to do this every weekend. Switching people each time. It would be amazing if it becomes our permanent culture which is what I’m trusting Yahweh for. Building with intention is better than just wishing it could be that way.

So very grateful for this heavenly download. Family matters to our Father. And His grace is enough for us.