Nothing

I try to think
My thoughts scatter like windblown clouds
I try to feel
My emotions are in lockdown too far down
I try to pray
My words are an anguished cry
I try to reach out
My self protecting walls are too high

Nothing.

I’m caught in a vortex
Going nowhere
No growth
No goals
No achievements
Little hope

Am I in a desert?
A valley?

This inner state has no visible cause.
There is no crisis or trouble
No sickness or death
No lack or brokenness

I don’t know how I got here
I don’t know how to leave

Nothing.

All I want to be lies scattered on the floor
My dreams and expectations
Mocking me relentlessly
All the things I thought I’d overcome
Are back with a vengeance

I keep trying to hide
I don’t want to face this nothingness
I don’t want to acknowledge
The state I’m in

Like a wilting flower I strain to survive
While refusing the water
Refusing forgiveness
Grasping guilt as my earned covering

Am I a shell filled with nothing
Or am I a river blocked off
What about those who need my life
Will I abandon them?

There is love that can fill my nothing
What is there to loose?

Nothing.